I Did A Stupid Thing.

I should have seen it coming.
I should have sheltered from the storm.
Instead I welcomed it.

One moment: release.
Euphoria.
Next moment: tears.
Then regret.
Then the pain.
It all came pouring right back in.
I was drowning.

What a waste.
All that work thrown away.
All those disapointments, those ruined hopes.
All reason, ignored.
I knew what would happen.
I knew it would never, has never worked.
I knew I would do it anyway.

Weak.
Impulsive.
I failed.
In my head the crowds circle me.
Staring.
Judging.
I know what they think.
I know what they whisper.
How they condemn.
They are ignorant but powerful.

I pretend not to care about them.
I pretend too much.
Before, I pretended I did not see it coming.
I pretended I no longer wanted to be impulsive, to fail.
I pretended it would work.

It's time I stopped playing make-believe.
It's time for me to face myself.
Accept the work,
Take the risks,
and ignore the crowd.

It's time for me to heal.